FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions)
Christopher Kent answers the deep philosophical queries we all ponder during our lives….
Q: Why are we here?
A: OK, I admit it. We’re lost. Are you happy now?
Q: What does the future hold in store?
A: That depends. Is tomorrow my day to do the dishes or is it your turn?
Q: Why is the sky blue?
A: It was an artistic decision made by the Creator—and who really understands the whims of all-powerful beings? They have so much on their plate…
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: To get to the other side.
Q: Why don’t you ever say anything nice about me?
A: You’re a lousy person and I only associate with you for contrast.
Q: Why does everything break just after the warranty runs out?
A: Seriously? You can’t figure out the answer to that one?
A: Will you PLEASE stop asking me that! You’re driving me crazy!
Q: What should I wear to the party?
A: Who invited you?
Q: What are you getting me for my birthday?
A: And you are…?
Q: Are we there yet??
A: Yes! Yes, we are!
Of course we’re not there yet. Deal with it.
Q: Hey—who left this food sitting out?
Q: What happens when we die?
A: Sorry—I’m not going to spoil it by telling you ahead of time.
Q: Have we met?
A: Define “met.”
Q: What is WRONG with you??
A: Gosh, I don’t know. But that’s OK, because I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.
Q: What ever happened to good old-fashioned values?
A: Shove it, pops.
Q: Have you lost your mind?
A: Maybe. I mean, I am here talking to you.
Q: Honey, have you seen my car keys?
A: No. Have you seen your brain?
Q: Why can’t people treat each other with dignity and respect?
A: They can. Prove it!
Q: Is there something you’re not telling me?
A: Actually, yes. And since you’ve brought it up, to help express those thoughts which I find so hard to put into words, I shall now perform an interpretive dance.
Q: Does this outfit make me look fat?
A: Honey, you look gorgeous no matter what you wear! (I am not an idiot.)
Q: Hold it right there—just where do you think you’re going??
A: I often lie awake at night asking myself that very question.
Q: What did I do to deserve this?
A: That depends. Which of life’s infinite indignities is bothering you at the moment?
Q: What existed before the beginning of the universe?
A: Stupidity. Stupidity has been around FOREVER.
Q: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
A: Well, if you were asking a dumb question and no one was there to hear it, I think you’d probably make a sound. So I’m going to go with “yes” on the tree question.
Q: Why is true love so hard to find?
A: Three reasons: First, few people actually have a clue about what true love is. Second, true love isn’t found, it’s built over time. Third, patience is a rare quality among human beings.
Q: If I were able to travel back in time and murder my own grandfather before my father was born, what would happen?
A: For one thing, you probably wouldn’t be here asking me dumb questions.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Your life or mine? Mine is primarily about pizza.
Q: Why can’t we just get along with one another?
A: I have no problem getting along with people who agree with me about everything. You got a problem with that?
Q: Will the universe ever end?
A: Not as long as I’m here to keep an eye on it!
Q: If I traveled infinitely far across the universe in one direction, would I end up back where I started?
A: I think you’ll have to try it to find out. You should probably get started.
Q: Why does time go by so quickly when we’re having fun, but so slowly when we’re miserable?
A: Wow—it feels like this conversation has been going on forever!
Q: What can I do to win the lottery?
A: Hey—you’re here talking to me. I think you’ve already won!
Q: When can I see you again?
A: Don’t hold your breath. As Groucho Marx once said, “I’ve had a wonderful night, but this wasn’t it.”
Q: Will there ever be an end to war?
A: Definitely. The real question is: Will it end for a good reason, or a bad one?
Q: Does a bear poop in the woods?
A: Have you seen a bear lately? Those guys poop wherever they bloody well feel like it.
Q: If you could ask God one question, what would it be?
A: “Would you like fries with that?” God would get the joke!
Q: If you had your life to live over again, what would you do differently?
A: Actually, I haven’t finished trying to fix this version of my life yet.
Q: Are we alone in the universe?
A: No. I get messages from Alpha Centauri all the time. At least that’s what the return address says.
Q: Is the glass half full or half empty?
A: Actually, it’s completely empty. I was very thirsty.
Q: Can you really fall in love with someone at first sight?
A: Absolutely! However, I’d give it a few months before you start sending out wedding invitations.
Q: Can you ever forgive me?
A: Maybe. First, what exactly have you done that’s going to piss me off enough that you need my forgiveness?
Q: What does God do when angels poop?
A: When God closes a door, he opens a window.
Copyright 2022 by Christopher Kent. All rights reserved.